Top 600+ Funny Quotes That Will Make Your Mood Light

Top 600+ Funny Quotes That Will Make Your Mood Light Humor Quotes Curated by Factober

Written by Vishal for Factober

FACTOBER KNOWLEDGE & INSPIRATION

October 11, 2020

600+ Funny Quotes

Life is all about how you live it. Do you think a little dose of fun will make it easy to live everyday life? Read these 600+ funny quotes and tell us what you think about them.

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  1. 1977: staying’ alive, 2020: staying’ alive
  2. 2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
  3. 2020 is like… going to a wedding and finding a cash bar… kind of year.
  4. 2020 was like, I know a place and took us to hell.
  5. 2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief. Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
  6. 3 years from now I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
  7. I’m one stomach flu away from my goal weight. Emily Charlton (Emily Blunt), The Devil Wears Prada
  8. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Bob Hope
  9. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx
  10. A boo is a lot louder than a cheer. Lance Armstrong
  11. A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. Mark Twain
  12. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Steven Wright
  13. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. Milton Berle
  14. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  15. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips
  16. A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin
  17. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin
  18. A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. Unknown
  19. A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future. Denis Waitley
  20. A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction. Justin Sewell
  21. A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement. Jess C Scott
  22. A ghostly smile flickered across his face. “If you weren’t so psychotic, you’d be fun to hang around.”
  23. A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. Graham Norton
  24. A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Walter Bagehot
  25. A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. H. L. Mencken
  26. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. Winston Churchill
  27. A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know. Laurence J. Peter
  28. A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
  29. A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Don Marquis
  30. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. W. C. Fields
  31. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ Claude Pepper
  32. A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’ Conan O’Brien
  33. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner
  34. A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. Samuel Goldwyn
  35. A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water. Eleanor Roosevelt
  36. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. Oliver Herford
  37. A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice. Bill Cosby
  38. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding
  39. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. Ellen DeGeneres
  40. According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog. Jay Leno
  41. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mark Twain
  42. Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine. Joan Collins
  43. Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese. Billie Burke
  44. Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today’s tasks. Holly Black, Ironside
  45. All men are equal before fish. Herbert Hoover
  46. All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. Robert Breault
  47. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. Casey Stengel
  48. All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Alexander Woollcott
  49. All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
  50. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. Oscar Wilde
  51. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake. W. C. Fields
  52. Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde
  53. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. Yogi Berra, When You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It!: Inspiration and Wisdom from One of Baseball’s Greatest Heroes
  54. Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. Yogi Berra
  55. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead
  56. Always remember that you are unique  –  just like everybody else. Unknown
  57. Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. Jim Rohn
  58. An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. Dylan Thomas
  59. Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. E. B. White
  60. Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination. Oscar Wilde
  61. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
  62. As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it. Dick Cavett
  63. As the clock strikes twelve, may you have the stamina to wish all of your in-numerous Facebook Friends a Happy New Year.
  64. As the year draws to a close, happy revelers jam New York’s Times Square to watch the traditional dropping of the illuminated ball, while in Denver a mellower throng gathers to ring in the new year with the lighting of the 200-Foot Doobie.
  65. As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Norman Wisdom
  66. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Sir Norman Wisdom
  67. Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies. Oliver Goldsmith
  68. At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Ann Landers
  69. Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. Jim Davis
  70. Bad decisions make good stories. Ellis Vidler
  71. Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
  72. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain
  73. Be happy  –  it drives people crazy. Unknown
  74. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Bernard Baruch
  75. Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. Helen Rowland
  76. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. Jack Handey
  77. Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly
  78. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. Will Ferrell
  79. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx
  80. Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas. Lessons from the Minivan
  81. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln
  82. Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female. Desmond Morris
  83. Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else. Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret
  84. Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over. Jerry
  85. But Dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the Chocolate Frog cards. J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
  86. But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. Carl Sagan
  87. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. Charles Wadsworth
  88. By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. Robert Frost
  89. Cal: “You are really pushing my buttons today. Becky: “Which one is ‘mute’? Waitress, the Musical
  90. Change is not a four letter word… but often your reaction to it is! Jeffrey Gitomer
  91. Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. Socrates
  92. Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard. Margaret Culkin Banning
  93. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. Mark Twain
  94. Coach: “How’s a beer sound, Norm?” Norm: “I don’t know, I usually finish before they get a word in. Coach (Nicholas Colasanto) and Norm (George Wendt), Cheers
  95. Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. William James
  96. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it. Anonymous
  97. Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. Steve Irwin
  98. Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. Martha Scott
  99. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard
  100. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding
  101. Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up?” All the time. Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life
  102. Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Anton Chekhov
  103. Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’? Neil DeGrasse Tyson
  104. Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. Golda Meir
  105. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  106. Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss
  107. Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. Mae West
  108. Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles M. Schulz
  109. Dreams are like rainbows. Only idiots chase them. Unknown
  110. Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. Daniel J. Boorstin
  111. Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes. Anonymous
  112. Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
  113. Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. Will Rogers
  114. Ever heard of the rule of three? he shouts as we run. No! If you save somebody’s life three times, their life belongs to you. You saved my life today, that makes once. Save it twice more an I’m all yers. Moira Young, Blood Red Road
  115. Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do. Voltaire
  116. Every tattoo is temporary, because we’re all slowly dying. Unknown
  117. Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection. Yakov Smirnoff
  118. Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. David Letterman
  119. Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. Criss Jami, Killosophy
  120. Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. Lemony Snicket, Horseradish
  121. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Will Rogers
  122. Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher
  123. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. Betty White
  124. Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed. Josh Billings
  125. Flip a coin… If the head comes, I am yours, if the tail comes then you are mine. happy new year.
  126. Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. Stephen Colbert
  127. Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. John F. Kennedy
  128. Francois: “Do you know what kind of a bomb it was? Clouseau: “The exploding kind. Francois (André Maranne) and Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers), The Pink Panther Strikes Again
  129. Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
  130. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Robert Bloch
  131. From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge. Jarod Kintz
  132. Funny, I feel that way about you too. He didn’t say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away. Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy
  133. Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room. President Merkin Muffley
  134. Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. Wilhelm II
  135. God did not intend religion to be an exercise club. Naguib Mahfouz
  136. God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk. Meister Eckhart
  137. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
  138. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday, Billy Sunday, the Man and His Message: With His Own Words Which Have Won Thousands for Christ
  139. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  140. Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday. Lin-Manuel Miranda
  141. Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
  142. Good: Waking up everyday Bad: in 2020
  143. Great art is the contempt of a great man for small art. F. Scott Fitzgerald
  144. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers
  145. Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. David Letterman
  146. Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. Thomas Szasz
  147. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns
  148. Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet. Unknown
  149. Happy New Year from someone who is Adorable, Handsome and intelligent and wants to see you smiling always.
  150. Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not. John Green
  151. Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
  152. Haters are just confused admirers because they can’t figure out the reason why everyone loves you. Jeffree Star
  153. Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it. Salvador Dali
  154. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin
  155. Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? Benny Hill
  156. He who laughs last didn’t get the joke. Charles de Gaulle
  157. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Redd Foxx
  158. Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. George Carlin
  159. Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. Adam Gropman
  160. Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’? Jay Leno
  161. Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet! Groucho Marx
  162. High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Christopher Morley
  163. Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can’t help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers. Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak
  164. Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. Franklin P. Jones
  165. Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! Hergé, The Shooting Star
  166. How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes…dies. George Carlin
  167. How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips
  168. However, if you do start crying in an argument and someone asks why, you can always say, “I’m just crying because of how wrong you are. amy poehler, Yes Please
  169. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. Douglas Adams
  170. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb
  171. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
  172. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
  173. I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms. Michael Scott
  174. I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. Mark Twain
  175. I am only human, although I regret it. Mark Twain
  176. I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
  177. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Emo Philips
  178. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
  179. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield
  180. I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. Rodney Dangerfield
  181. I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde
  182. I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. Oscar Wilde
  183. I can’t decide whether I’m a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I’m a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that’s how I know I’m a woman! C. JoyBell C.
  184. I can’t end my messages with Love, Shaq because the B-52s ruined that for me.
  185. I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. Fred Allen
  186. I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
  187. I cannot afford to waste my time making money. Louis Agassiz
  188. I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. Mark Twain
  189. I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
  190. I didn’t want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger. Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
  191. I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. Benjamin Franklin
  192. I don’t hate you.. I just don’t like that you exist. Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness
  193. I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke
  194. I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me. Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Ghostbusters
  195. I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead. Samuel Goldwyn
  196. I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job. Samuel Goldwyn
  197. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
  198. I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg
  199. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. Ralph Waldo Emerson
  200. I drink to make other people more interesting. Ernest Hemingway
  201. I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they? Jess C. Scott, Wicked Lovely
  202. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield
  203. I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope
  204. I hate women because they always know where things are. Voltaire
  205. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. Zach Galifianakis
  206. I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches. Alice Roosevelt Longworth
  207. I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly. Peter Cook
  208. I have lightning and wind powers,” Jason reminded him. “Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You’re no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell ‘Flame on!'” Leo snorted. “If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than ‘Flame on! Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero
  209. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. Thomas A. Edison
  210. I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well. Robert Benchley
  211. I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield
  212. I hope this year ends up with your smiling selfie to see on the Facebook posts. Wish you a bright and joyful New Year!
  213. I hope you will not spend the first day of the new year sleeping on the couch. May God give you the strength to fight with laziness. Happy new year!
  214. I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright
  215. I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that. Tom Lehrer
  216. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Noel Coward
  217. I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet. Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City
  218. I like video games, but they’re really violent. I’d like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It’d be called ‘Really Busy Hospital. Demetri Martin
  219. I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own. Si Robertson
  220. I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. Lauren Myracle
  221. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield
  222. I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares. Anonymous
  223. I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Rita Rudner
  224. I make love with a focus and intensity that most people reserve for sleep. Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
  225. I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. Jimmy Kimmel
  226. I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx
  227. I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth. Anonymous
  228. I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. Molly Ivins
  229. I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!
  230. I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. Douglas Adams
  231. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx
  232. I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well. Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory
  233. I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy. Jerry Seinfeld
  234. I tell you, I’m half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon. Ally Carter, Only the Good Spy Young
  235. I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”
  236. I thought I’d lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while,” he grunted, “It relaxes me.” “It does? Oh – you’re being sarcastic. That’s a good sign probably. Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
  237. I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth
  238. I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson
  239. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. Unknown
  240. I usually make resolutions when I am drunk, that way I never have to commit it. Happy New Year!!
  241. I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off. Anonymous
  242. I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. Phyllis Diller
  243. I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
  244. I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. Drake
  245. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx
  246. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam. George Carlin
  247. I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. It looks fun. Scott Adams
  248. I wish you can resist temptation to gorge on burgers during snack breaks. Happy New Year!
  249. I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time. Mark Twain
  250. I would say Happy New Year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder
  251. I’m calling it the Watney Triangle because after what I’ve been through, shit on Mars should be named after me. Andy Weir, The Martian
  252. I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. Franklin D. Roosevelt
  253. I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. Damien Fahey
  254. I’d rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. J. Paul Getty
  255. I’m a fake fact factory. The things I make are the things I make up. Also, as a side business, I make love. Actually, I just made that up. Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. Wendell Johnson
  256. I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser.
  257. I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out. Anonymous
  258. I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say I ordered this a year ago, lol.
  259. I’m in shape. Round is a shape. George Carlin
  260. I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one. Mark A. Cooper, Royal Decree
  261. I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me. Marc Maron
  262. I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? Chandler
  263. I’m not insane. My mother had me tested. Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
  264. I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. Michael Scott
  265. I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. Mitch Hedberg
  266. I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. Robin Williams
  267. I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. Woody Allen
  268. I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending. Jack Whitehall
  269. I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. Colonel Sanders
  270. I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly
  271. I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for? Stephanie Lennox, I Don’t Remember You
  272. I’ve come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out. John Fugelsang
  273. I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock. Henny Youngman
  274. If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld
  275. If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again. Stan Laurel
  276. If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Steven Wright
  277. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Steven Wright
  278. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. W. C. Fields
  279. If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
  280. If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? Milton Berle
  281. If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal. Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
  282. If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle. Hillary Clinton
  283. If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
  284. If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised. Clark Griswold
  285. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
  286. If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer. Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
  287. If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. Johnny Carson
  288. If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space. Unknown
  289. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Scott Adams
  290. If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. Bill Vaughan
  291. If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
  292. If we’re mad, we’re mad in large numbers, at least larger than yours. Shannon Hale, The Goose Girl
  293. If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid. Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night
  294. If you can’t do anything about it, laugh like hell. David Cook
  295. If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? Cynthia Heimel
  296. If you come to a fork in the road, take it. Yogi Berra
  297. If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. Theodore Roosevelt
  298. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. Groucho Marx
  299. If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. Rob Cordry
  300. If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder. Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
  301. If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck. Elvis Presley
  302. If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age. George Burns
  303. If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help. Richard D. Wolff
  304. If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. Chuck Palahniuk
  305. If you must make a noise, make it quietly. Oliver Hardy
  306. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Earl Wilson
  307. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
  308. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese
  309. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama
  310. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? George Carlin
  311. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Ann Landers
  312. If you’re texting Magnus to say ‘I think u r kewl’ I’m going to kill you. Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
  313. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  314. If you’re going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill
  315. If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman
  316. If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. Billy Wilder
  317. If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. Lawrence Ferlinghetti
  318. In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We’re only one God away from total agreement. Michael Shermer
  319. Inconceivable! You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. William Goldman, The Princess Bride
  320. Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. Sam Ewing
  321. Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace
  322. Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. Bob Thaves
  323. Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’ Anonymous
  324. Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry? Shelley Darlingson (Anna Faris), The House Bunny
  325. It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Ashleigh Brilliant
  326. It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! Steven Weinberg
  327. It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate. Dave Barry
  328. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell
  329. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous. Robert Benchley
  330. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Borowitz
  331. It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. Marilyn Monroe
  332. It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. Harry S. Truman
  333. It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it. Navjot Singh Sidhu
  334. It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld
  335. It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. Muhammad Ali
  336. It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames. Harry Hill
  337. It’s time to make old mistakes in different ways. Hurray! Happy New Year!
  338. It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan
  339. Jackass, jackass on the wall, where’s the info on Hex Hall? Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound
  340. Juan gave Bones the most admiring look he’d bestowed on him yet. “You talked her into going without panties all these years? Madre de Dios, now that’s impressive. I could learn a great deal from you, amigo. Jeaniene Frost, One Foot in the Grave
  341. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Miles Kington
  342. Laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories. Jessica Simpson
  343. Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. Cullen Hightower
  344. Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. Rita Mae Brown
  345. Leadership is the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. Dwight D. Eisenhower
  346. Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something. Enid Blyton
  347. Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times. Helen Rowland
  348. Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. John Wayne
  349. Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn
  350. Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. Tom Lehrer
  351. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. Isaac Asimov
  352. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. John Hughes
  353. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes
  354. Live each day like it’s your second to the last. That way you can fall asleep at night. Jason Love
  355. Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years.
  356. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Robert Frost
  357. Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
  358. Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. “You see? You think that would be possible without magic? Actually,” replied Simon, “It is. If you watched infomercials you’d know that. Cassandra Clare
  359. Making love to me is amazing. Wait, I meant: making love, to me, is amazing. The absence of two little commas nearly transformed me into a sex god. Dark Jar Tin Zoo, Love Quotes for the Ages. Specifically Ages 19-91.
  360. Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.
  361. Man has his will, but woman has her way. Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.
  362. Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
  363. Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever. Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
  364. Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. Woody Allen
  365. Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. Groucho Marx
  366. Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  367. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. George Carlin
  368. May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue so that I triumph even when I fall!
  369. May this New Year bring actual change in you – not the recurrence of old habits in a new package.
  370. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.
  371. Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus stop isn’t crazy… maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word.
  372. Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both. Janet Evanovich
  373. Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein
  374. Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair. Dorothy Parker
  375. Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. Jackie Mason
  376. Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
  377. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. George Carlin
  378. Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. Bertrand Russell
  379. My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne. Tina Fey, Bossypants
  380. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  381. My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. Walter Matthau
  382. My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. Milton Berle
  383. My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine. Caroline Rhea
  384. My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition. Indira Gandhi
  385. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneres
  386. My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look. Halley Reed
  387. My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored. Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.
  388. My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. Bobby Boucher
  389. My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana. Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
  390. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. Ashleigh Brilliant
  391. My perfect beautiful miracle baby? Never slept. Ever. Never. Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”Shonda Rimes
  392. My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. Jean Rostand
  393. My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada. Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously… I’m Kidding
  394. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield
  395. My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health. Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
  396. My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers
  397. My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time. Maria Bamford
  398. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. Dave Barry
  399. My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. Jack Benny
  400. Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to. Phil Connors
  401. Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating. Frank Semyon (Vince Vaughn), True Detective
  402. Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible. Doug Larson
  403. Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path. Ellen DeGeneres
  404. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
  405. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
  406. Never have more children than you have car windows. Erma Bombeck
  407. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
  408. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Will Rogers
  409. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. Mark Twain
  410. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  411. Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. Laurell K. Hamilton, Burnt Offerings
  412. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry
  413. New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
  414. Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus
  415. Nothing is impossible, the word itself says I’m possible! Audrey Hepburn
  416. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average…which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.
  417. Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most. Ozzy Osbourne
  418. Of course you know, this means war. Joe Adamson, Bugs Bunny Fifty Years And Only One Grey Hare
  419. Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get. Robert Orben
  420. Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield
  421. Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. Einstein
  422. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin
  423. One thing I’ve learned about vampires–they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that’ll eat your eyeballs if you’re not paying attention. Laurell K. Hamilton, Bloody Bones
  424. Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. Robert Benchley
  425. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas A. Edison
  426. Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. Thomas Edison
  427. Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
  428. Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck. Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
  429. Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
  430. Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx
  431. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. George Bernard Shaw
  432. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar
  433. People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar
  434. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. Winnie the Pooh
  435. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
  436. People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board. Betty White
  437. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov
  438. Police officer: “Pull over. Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing. Harry Dunne
  439. Political correctness is tyranny with manners. Charlton Heston
  440. Pressure is something you feel when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. Peyton Manning
  441. Puns are the highest form of literature. Alfred Hitchcock
  442. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. Ronald Reagan
  443. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo.
  444. Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale Carnegie
  445. Remind me,” he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, “to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja? Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian
  446. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. Oscar Levant
  447. Sane is boring. R. A. Salvatore
  448. Self-knowledge is better than self-control any day,” Raquel said firmly. “And I know myself well enough to know how I act around cookies. Claudia Gray, Evernight
  449. She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades’s gym shorts. Rick Riordan, The Titan’s Curse
  450. She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up. Richelle Mead, Blood Promise
  451. Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty and I’ll show you a man. Erica Jong
  452. Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven Wright
  453. Sometimes I’m grateful that thoughts don’t appear as bubbles over our heads.
  454. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
  455. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. Matt Groening
  456. Sorry for all the annoying behavior I did through the year. May you give me another chance to do that in the next New Year!
  457. Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date. Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket. Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality
  458. Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’ Conan O’Brien
  459. Stop checking my status. I don’t post my resolutions here.
  460. Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames. Rick Riordan, The Sea of Monsters
  461. Ted Striker: “Surely you can’t be serious. Dr. Rumack: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley. Ted Striker
  462. Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence. Erma Bombeck
  463. That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin
  464. That’s the funny thing about life. We’re rarely aware of the bullets we dodge. The just-misses. The almost-never-happeneds. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present. Lauren Miller
  465. That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good. Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
  466. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney
  467. The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward. John Maynard Keynes
  468. The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln
  469. The best things in life are actually really expensive. Unknown
  470. The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.
  471. The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. Dorothy Parker
  472. The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
  473. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
  474. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
  475. The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin
  476. The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. Edward Abbey
  477. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Steven Wright
  478. The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time. Joe Girard
  479. The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. Fred Allen
  480. The funniest people are the saddest ones. Confucius
  481. The funny thing about writing is that whether you’re doing well or doing it poorly, it looks the exact same. That’s actually one of the main ways that writing is different from ballet dancing. John Green
  482. The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large. Josh Billings
  483. The human body is the best work of art. Jess C. Scott
  484. The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It’s a good non-specific symptom; I’m a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor’s office. That’s worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you’re bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It’s a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school. Ferris Bueller (Matthew Broderick), Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
  485. The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going. Reinhard Bonnke
  486. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Unknown
  487. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Robert Bloch
  488. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire
  489. The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix
  490. The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
  491. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. Nicolas Chamfort
  492. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood
  493. The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain
  494. The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
  495. The question isn’t who is going to let me, it’s who is going to stop me. Ayn Rand
  496. The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty. Cervantes Saavedra
  497. The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin
  498. The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces. Will Rogers
  499. The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket. Kin Hubbard
  500. The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he. Karl Kraus
  501. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. Jim Harrison
  502. The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson
  503. The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett
  504. The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one. Sid Caesar
  505. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. Harlan Ellison
  506. The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don’t know what they’re doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self. Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You’ve Got Mail
  507. The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are. Terry Pratchett
  508. The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. Bertrand Russell
  509. The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse. Anonymous
  510. There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
  511. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Douglas Adams
  512. There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
  513. There is one word that describes people that don’t like me: Irrelevant. Anonymous
  514. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. Oscar Levant
  515. There’s just two things keeping me from dancing in that show. Fred: Your feet? Lucy
  516. There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Dowager Countess Violet Crawley
  517. There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.
  518. They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting. John Green, Looking for Alaska
  519. They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
  520. They say pain and tears help one to be stronger, So I am wishing you more tears and pain. For you to become even stronger than last year. Happy New Year!
  521. Think like a proton. Always positive. Unknown
  522. This is my depressed stance. When you’re depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you’ll start to feel better. If you’re going to get any joy out of being depressed, you’ve got to stand like this. Charles M. Schulz
  523. This Year may your hair and teeth, your face-lift, abs and stocks not fall, may your blood pressure, your cholesterol, white blood count and mortgage interest not rise. Happy New Year!
  524. To answer your question, you want me because I’m made of awesome. Gena Showalter, Heart of Darkness
  525. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. Ashleigh Brilliant
  526. To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda
  527. To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. Paul R. Ehrlich
  528. To err is human; to admit it, superhuman. Doug Larson
  529. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Steven Wright
  530. To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States. George W. Bush
  531. Tom Cruise Angelina Jolie Aishwarya Rai Salman Khan Jennifer Lopez Amitabh Bachchan & Me. All The Stars Wish U A Very Happy New Year.
  532. Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. Mae West
  533. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. Benjamin Franklin
  534. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
  535. Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. Lt. Frank Drebin
  536. Trying is the first step toward failure. Homer Simpson
  537. Trying is the first step toward failure. Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
  538. Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. M. Scott Peck
  539. Usher: “Bride or groom? Wedding guest: “It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither! Four Weddings and a Funeral
  540. Vampires. They wrote the book on possessive. Charlaine Harris, Dead to the World
  541. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. Ambrose Bierce
  542. We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know. W. H. Auden
  543. We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. George Bernard Shaw
  544. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. Bryan White
  545. We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. Rodney Dangerfield
  546. We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
  547. We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love. Robert Fulghum
  548. Well-behaved women seldom make history. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
  549. What do you mean, he don’t eat no meat? That’s okay, that’s okay. I make lamb. Aunt Voula (Andrea Martin), My Big Fat Greek Wedding
  550. What I actually want to call you is a hell of a lot more unprintable than your name. Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
  551. What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant
  552. What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace. Harry
  553. When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. Prince Philip
  554. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. Will Rogers
  555. When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner
  556. When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’ Sydney J. Harris
  557. When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, Compared to what?” Sydney Harris
  558. When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow
  559. When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin
  560. When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands. Larry
  561. When I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. Barney Stinson
  562. When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. Bill Watterson
  563. When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. Cathy Guisewite
  564. When life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and then try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White
  565. When Life Gives You Lemons, you tell life to get a life because lemons are a terrible gift. Patrick Schell
  566. When life gives you lemons, plant its seeds, grow yourself an orchard, sell it to Sunkist. Carry on. José N. Harris
  567. When life gives you lemons, forget the lemonade. Make a lemon chicken and a rich lemon cheesecake. Blame life for the extra pounds. Susie Smith
  568. When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back. Bill Watterson
  569. When life gives you lemons, juice them up, plant the seeds and throw the rinds back at life.
  570. When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail. Ziad K. Abdelnour
  571. When life gives you lemons, make sure you know whose eyes you need to squeeze them in. Colleen Hoover, Ugly Love
  572. When life gives you lemons, keep them, cause hey – free lemons! Jake Hamilton
  573. When life gives you lemons, exchange them at the store for something more edible. Grace Helbig
  574. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
  575. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. Mark Twain
  576. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. Jane Wagner
  577. When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. Norm Crosby
  578. When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life. Richard Lewis
  579. When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. Erma Bombeck
  580. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. Gertrude Stein
  581. Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person? Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids
  582. Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams
  583. Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? John Barrymore
  584. Why yes, I can carry on a conversation made up entirely of movie quotes. Anonymous
  585. Will suspected Jem was in fact cleverer than he was himself – but he lacked Will’s tendency to assume the absolute worst about people and proceed from there. Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Angel
  586. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. Benjamin Franklin
  587. Woke up today. It was terrible. Grumpy Cat
  588. Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. Oscar Wilde
  589. Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. James Thurber
  590. Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. Marilyn Monroe
  591. Work until your bank account looks like a phone number. Unknown
  592. Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. Mark Twain
  593. You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright
  594. You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. Jack London
  595. You cannot be anything if you want to be everything. Solomon Schechter
  596. You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. Winston Churchill
  597. You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. George Burns
  598. You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. Joan Rivers
  599. You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!! Bill Watterson
  600. You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself. Sam Levenson
  601. You should eat a waffle! You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle! Lauren Myracle, ttfn
  602. You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try.’ Homer Simpson
  603. You were too lazy to read that number.
  604. You’re only as good as your last haircut. Fran Lebowitz
  605. You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it. Robin Williams
  606. You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there. Yogi Berra
  607. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
  608. Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he’s not starting over on the paperwork. Laurell K. Hamilton, Incubus Dreams

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